Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Looking back – 31 weeks and 3 days and OOPS, did I just Pee?

Looking back – 31 weeks and 3 days and OOPS, did I just Pee?

Time to finish up this “looking back” countdown. Especially since their first birthday has actually passed by rather quickly. Its already been a couple/few weeks!

I need to admit to you that the reason I kinda stopped this whole countdown to birth was it started getting weird for me. I’d start typing and then I'd go, “UGH, I don’t want to talk about that.” As if I was realizing how traumatic that time was. It was too much. I would well up with tears every time I sat to type it out or even think about it.

It’s hard for me to really look at those last days and especially at the first few weeks after their birth. I have actually started writing that post and I may or may not ever publish it for you to read. I may just keep it in draft form for myself (after all, this blog is a personal journal for me, too). We’ll see how it goes.

In the meantime, let me at least get caught up to the actual night I went into labor. I left off right at 31 weeks and 3 days – only a day away! Of course, I didn’t know it at the time. I was miserable and in a cloud of negativity and completely unable to cope with my feelings of fear and worry and guilt about the moments I wanted to reach in myself and break the water just to get some relief. Of course, I would never have done that. But I had delirious fantasies about just getting it over with. I was losing sight of the whole point of keeping it together. I had been done for a long time.

I started having dull pain in my cervix with each contraction. Like menstrual pain but much more painful. And persistent! I just figured it was par for the course and continued doing the only thing I could do, which was keep laying there and turn over ever hour or so to keep from getting too sore. Futile attempts at stretching or taking a deep breath or eating more than a handful of food without wanting to throw it up were all frustrating the hell out of me.

The swelling was getting really intense. Way more than before. I was gaining weight very quickly – not a good sign. I went from having gained a whopping 62 lbs to almost 70lbs in a matter of couple of days.

Honestly, I was crying a lot and that’s pretty much it. Crying. And then some more sobbing and crying. I was a gloriously graceful sobbing mess. I would try to type and e-mail or a post but contractions made it so I could only sit up for a few minutes and so I’d have to lay on my side and get help to turn over every so often.

On the night of December 10, just over an hour after Lantry had come and visited me and listened to me sob my big desperate tears, I lay on my side watching Law & Order SVU, reading this blog and typing this post every few minutes as I was able to sit up.

I felt a warm gush.

At first I thought, “Did I just pee?”

Trust me, this wasn’t an unlikely thing at that point. Peeing in my pants seemed to just be the next thing in my embarrassing bodily functions. Heck I’ve been doing that all week from having cough attacks, but I digress.

My water broke and I pushed the button to call the nurse, still unsure what was happening to me. She came in and did the 'stick-the-test-stick-in-your-cooter' test to see if it really was amniotic fluid or just pee. It was amniotic fluid.

HOLY CRAP. My water broke. Holy crap. Holy crap.

I started having stronger contractions and very strong, but dull-ish aching in my back. She left to page Lantry and I had a HUGE gush. I called Brian and my hands were shaking. He had just gotten out of the shower and was ready for bed. I had just seen him a couple hours before making that call and I was already desperate for him.

I heard it in his voice. He knew. He just seemed to know why I was calling him. I could feel my eyeballs bulging out of my head as I heard myself tell him that I was in labor for real and trying to explain to him that I was lying there, completely soaked from my crotch down. It was a very bizarre sensation. I suddenly got very afraid of someone sliding out of my vagina. I crossed my legs. Because that would surely keep them in, RIGHT???

I apologized to Brian for not being able to cook them longer:

“I’m-so-sorry-I couldn’t-keep-them-in-longer-I-really-thought-it-would-be-much-longer-but-I-guess-I-couldn’t-hold-on-longer-but-I-did-my-best-and-I-am-so-sorry-and-OHMYGOSH-I-wish-I-could-have-kept-them-in-longer…”


And then I felt the huge tears fall.

It was over. I had been so miserable for so long and wanted to be DONE being pregnant for SO LONG, but suddenly it was over and I felt horrible about it. I felt the first wave of what I would come to know as Mommy-guilt come sweeping over me that night. Brian was quick to reassure me and told me that I did a great job and that he loved me and that everything would be ok. I just wanted him there right with me ASAP. We got off the phone quickly and he was on his way.

The nurse came back in and said she spoke with Lantry and that I was to have nothing more to eat or drink for the next eight hours. Of course all I wanted was iced water. I was so thirsty.

They scheduled my C-section for 5am and I was reeling. My head was spinning. HOLY CRAP. HOLY CRAP. They babies are coming. The babies are coming. Like Paul Revere on a horse except not. Not at all actually, so nevermind that.

While I waited for Brian I called my sister who came down as soon as she could. She was working. I then called my friend Sandy. I remember apologizing for calling so late. She herself had an infant for crying out loud and for all I knew I woke her baby up. She assured me that it was FINE to call that late and then I broke into tears and told her I was in labor and that the babies were coming and PLEASE PRAY. She prayed with me right there on the phone and it felt so good. It felt so good to pray and be prayed for. I felt a wash of peace, although I was still afraid, and I was glad I called.

By the time Brian arrived, I was in a LOT of pain. It took him less than ten minutes. I want to say it was even six minutes. It felt that fast. And you know when you’re waiting for someone it seems like they take forever? This was not the case. He arrived in what felt like a flash and I was soooo glad to see him.

Stay tuned.