Thursday, May 15, 2008

Now you're REALLY going to think I've lost it --- EDITED

I've got lots going on. Lots of fun stuff.

For example:

-I've got an eye infection. It feels GREAT!

-I haven't had a computer for a couple of weeks because it has a virus. YAY. Brian has been working on it and its come to the point where it has been decided that it is just screwed. We have to re-install Windows. I hastily tried to save everything important onto a thumb drive. Let's hope I really did. I don't have my bookmarks or all of my stuff (I am using Brian's computer). Just frustrating that there are people out there that make these viruses. For fun. People whose sole purpose is to create problems for other people. Sick.

And then there's stuff I don't want to talk about. Not because I don't need to talk about it. But because I can't.

This blog started out as a way to keep family and friends updated about the pregnancy, etc.
Then it evolved to become my only line to the outside world during bedrest and the way I got support from other loving triplet preggos and mamas during the hardest times. It became my therapy. A place for me to be safe and share and get support. I could reach into my computer and the people who really understood what I was going through were always there, reaching back. But the problem with this is that because of its original purpose, EVERYONE in my real life reads it. I can't go into certain things because of it. I can't talk about some VERY BIG THINGS because everyone I know reads. I don't know what is more important to me. Having a place to keep people updated OR having a place to be 'safe'. This blog can no longer effectively serve as both.

And unfortunately some people think my blog is a complete picture. Let me say, it is only a sliver. A Slice. A snapshot. There are MANY layers that I don't share and cannot share. Too private. Just because you saw me with friends in one post does not mean I am suddenly living the life. I am still exhausted and working my ass off and worried about things like money and struggling to manage my time and somehow trying make everyone in my life happy. Its like some people just don't get it. And yes, you are reading correctly...I am frustrated.

I've only tried to be honest on here. Sometimes too honest. Is this another one of these times? Possibly.

Here's the thing. I love having a place to share with people in my real life. MOST of the people in my real life. I guess this is not really a blog issue but a people issue. And it is difficult to establish boundaries with this blog. People think they know so much about me and they fill in the blanks based on their perception. Stop assuming things. You don't know everything about me.
During my pregnancy, I was bitching to someone about how I cannot believe the things people say/do and how judgemental/opinionated people are! That someone told me, "just WAIT until the babies are HERE!"
TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN.
Its unfortunate that you can't just delete people from your lives. And YES, I just said that.
I know I sound angry and miserable. But I am not. I am just having a moment. Don't RUN with this and decide a lot of things about me.
But I know some of you will. There will be talk. You will talk about me.

"Oh, she's lost it. she's not dealing very well."

Sometimes, this is true. But really? You don't know what you're talking about.

*end ugly rant here.

Bottom line, I've learned through this blog that there are a lot of people that really aren't happy for me. For whatever reason, they are resentful when I am doing well and secretly (or not so secretly) satisfied when I am a mess. Like right now.
Jealousy? maybe. Insecurity? Most likely. I don't have time to figure them out. I just need to decide what I want to do about it.

---edited to add:
I am in no way referring to coments left on this blog. The comments I receive have been nothing but supportive. I am talking about people in my real life saying things to me about things they have read on here.