Monday, December 3, 2007

30w3d -trying to hang on until 32

Right now I feel like I am totally done. I'M DONE. I'm done I'm done I'm done. It is moments like this when I don't know how the heck I will make it another day, much less to 32 weeks . Forget 34 and beyond.
I was fine during the day today, but then this evening I started melting again. Dr. Lantry came in right before 9pm (I swear she lives here) and I started crying. This is so hard. We both agreed that I was doing better at home, as most people do. But I am here now and here is where I need to stay. I asked if I could have wheelchair priveliges so that Brian could wheel me outside for a few minutes. I want to smell the air outside. But the insurance is already trying to send me home. If she puts in an order for me to be allowed to go outside, I may risk them not paying for my stay anymore. I can't tell you how this infuriates me. So, just say I go 34 weeks. I will never have been outside for the month of December, much less outside my room. But I can't think like that. I am really trying hard to keep it together. Anyway, Lantry was supportive and sounded very positive. She is very encouraged because the babies are so big and I have done so well thus far. There was no doom and gloom in her voice. She, like us, hopes that I go until 32, 33, 34 - but feels like if they come before then, that the babies will be totally fine. I have to find comfort in that. So we're just waiting. She doesn't want to stop labor because of risk for other problems. Pulmonary Thrombosis and something else that I don't remember. So although I have had some Terbutaline, it looks like there is no Magnesium Sulfate in my future (at least not before the babies are born).
I am SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Every part of me aches or hurts or burns. My mind is not working anymore. I can't re-focus to manage the pain anymore. I FEEL it all the time now. My tongue and gums bleed. My belly burns like its on fire. My lower back is going in and out of numbness. My BUTTHOLE (YES, I just typed BUTTHOLE) and my girl bits feel a way I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE. there is sharp pinching everywhere. I am feeling like I have battery acid in my esophagus. blah blah blah.
I just had a tough monitoring session, too. So I feel weird. I was almost worried because we could not get good accelerations on Baby A's heartbeat. But after about an hour we got what we needed. She was likely in a sleep cycle and we had to wake her up. Poor thing.

But, another day under my belt and hopefully many more to go. I can't think that far ahead. I feel bad that I am already fizzling out. I feel like I am not doing a good enough job for the babies. I could not stop crying when Brian was leaving tonight. I have to keep it together. This is truly the most difficult thing I've ever done.
And now my contractions are making it impossible to sit up so I better wrap this up. This too shall pass and I will have babies to smoosh and sniff. This is what I look forward to.

Much Love,