Saturday, September 29, 2007

21 weeks

Actually, its more like 21 weeks and 1 day...But I was out of commission yesterday. I am MUCH better today! What a difference a day makes! Brian, OF COURSE, was all better within 24 hours - he's always been heartier than me.

What really helped is my mom's soup. When I am not feeling well, there is NOTHING I want more than Korean food - specifically Kimchi. More specifically, my mom's cooking (in case you didn't know I am 1/2 Korean). Today, my mom brought over a big pot of bean sprout soup and other dishes. Brian and I ate so much and it was so good! Nothing like home cooking to make you feel better! Oh, and I got my car back. It looks SO GOOD! My little car...I missed her so much. :)

Other than the cold, I feel pretty OK. UNCOMFORTABLE, but ok. I feel like a baby is actually trying to claw its way out of my left side. It is actually poking out! I'll have to post a picture to show you how it looks.

I feel them moving and I LOVE IT. It makes all the yucky stuff go away. Brian was hugging me last night and he felt one of them move - it was so awesome! He finally got to feel it for himself. It felt like a little punch. Like the baby was actually punching me from the inside. What a feeling. I am so in love with these babies, I can't even begin to describe it!!

So, the babies' room...have I talked about this? Probably not. Its finally empty and ready for baby stuff. It has served as a laundry room and storage room until now. I hate to admit that something kept holding me back from getting this room ready. Fear? Superstition? No money? I don't know. Part of me has been waiting until some age of viability with these babies. This is the ugly side of infertility that I don't really talk about. The fear. Add to that, a recent miscarriage and it explains the waiting. But for what? Really. Like part of me was waiting until it was declared that "everything's ok". But really? That doesn't happen.
I am not saying that "regular people" with "regular pregnancies" don't worry. Of course I am not saying that. I am just saying that there is something about struggling to get to this place and having so many disappointments over the years. Its a strange thing. When I got pregnant this time, I was reluctant to get excited. I didn't jump up and down. When I peed on the stick and it was positive, I hestiated. I held back. I didn't call anyone right away. I casually mentioned it to Brian when he came home from work and he was just as stoic. We were not reacting. We were numbing ourselves, just in case. Was I happy? Yes. But, I wouldn't commit to the belief until I went to the doctor and she told me that, YES...I was indeed pregnant. And then I still held back, holding my breath after each beta blood test. Holding my breath when the phone rang every couple of days with the hcg report. Even when the beta results were CLEARLY doubling and were really high, I was holding back a bit. I felt like at any moment the other shoe would drop. I hate to admit to such pessimism. But fear is a powerful thing. And then the first ultrasound - the day that changed EVERYTHING forever. It was wonderful and exciting and scary. But did it do anything to squelch any of my fear? Absolutely not. There was new fear. The fear that my body would fail these babies. The fear that this was destined for doom. I knew the statistics. I saw my doctor's initial dismay. I knew that the standard medical advice was to reduce, which we already knew we were not going to do. My fear was as strong as ever. But something inside of me forced me to try and be as positive as possible. I knew the best chance that these babies had was my positive attitude and taking care of myself. Its an internal struggle - the fight with yourself when you are facing your own fear. But I had to try to hand it all over. I knew this was not a battle I could fight alone. I knew God had a plan. But still, here I am today at 21 weeks...still wanting to wait. I feel their precious arms and legs poking me from the inside and I still hold my breath a little. If I had it my way, the room would probably not really be done until I had them in my arms and knew for sure. But I gotta let go!! So with Brian's help, I finally let go. I am still holding my breath a litlle bit though. Just a little. :)
I gotta leave you with 21 week pictures!

Here is me with my Jenny - she came to feed me on Wednesday and I showed her how pancakes are supposed to be eaten. INHALED:

Here's the standard weekly picture for 21 weeks:

Here's me and my strawberry yogurt (my mouth is full). My Belly is totally lopsided with the baby trying to claw out of my left side. Yes, it feels like it looks - it hurts:

And total hotness from the side:

Its so bizarre how totally crooked my belly has gotten - these babies are moving and stretching around! Its totally uncomfortable but I love it! I am their home and they are warm and squishy in there. I can't wait to see my little quater Asian babies - QUATASIAN babies!!

Love to all~