Saturday, September 22, 2007

20 weeks

I sometimes wonder how far I want to go with this blog. How much I want to share. How vulnerable I want to be. How much I really want to "keep it real". And then I realize that I just gotta be me. So I share. Sometimes, its not pretty.


I feel like there is an adult size person inside of me pushing the sides of my stomach out trying to get out. Like a scene from an alien movie or something. That's how much pressure there is. I cannot get any wider...it just isn't possible. It HURTS. Almost every minute of the day. I have about 14 more weeks to go and many more inches. I want to cry when I think of how much more this will hurt. I was telling my friend tonight that if I remove the emotional aspect of it and just focus on the physical - I want to cry. Really. Like I am terrified of how much MORE it will hurt my hips and back and skin and butt and pelvic floor and intestines. But, bring back the emotional aspect and I am so joyful and full of love and so grateful that God chose me for this and excited to see how my body will change. I don't want to miss a moment of it. Its like I am 2 different people:

1. A miserable pregnant woman that can't deal with anything or cope with life who is DONE being pregnant. Still not able to deal with some people's criticism. A pregnant woman that is STILL afraid - still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Still thinking that this may be too good to be true. Still holding my breath at each doctor's appointment - fearing the worst.


OR


2. A giddy, excited, grateful, joyously happy, oblivious to pain, in-love pregnant woman that feels so aware of everything that is happening with my body and loving it! An optimistic, graceful pregnant woman that has faith that I can handle anything that God gives me.

I am BOTH of these women. I have stopped feeling guilty for sometimes being #1. I have stopped feeling guilty for being impatient with my discomfort and scared out of my mind sometimes. For letting fear and worry sometimes overcome the positivity and gratitude. For having a crappy attitude when I get overwhelmed. For having crappy days. At first, I didn't feel like I was allowed to feel these things because - this is what I wanted, wasn't it? That whole infertility ride makes it weird. Like, I finally got pregnant, what the hell is my problem??? JUST BE HAPPY DAMMIT. But you know what? That is not fair. And its not real.

So I accept that I am BOTH. Both are real. And that is OK. And that doesn't make me a bad mother. I AM really that happy & joyful person. And sometimes I AM that tearful and aching bitch. I'm keeping it real, folks. But today...

Today was a better day. The last couple days were tough. The violent vomiting and aching pain on top of the regular pregnancy stuff was overwhelming. I finally felt better and ate my weight in food. Food tasted good again today. :)

And to lighten things up, I present you with the 20 week belly pics...I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DEAL WITH THIS MUCH HOTNESS:



That's right...I'm wearing PENGUIN PANTS (Thanks Michelle - they're comfy!). I couldn't be hotter, right? I'm looking swolen and tired today. I've been sick - cut me some slack :)

I caved in and decided to let Brian draw on my belly. Of all the things he could have done, this is what he drew (warning - this is NOT PRETTY)...
-


-


-


-


-


-


-


-


-


-


-


-


-


-


Its a cat. I don't think I need to let you know what angle this is and what part my belly button plays in his artwork. All I will say is THIS is what it is all about, people.

There are many reasons I married this man...He is a strong, devoted man of integrity. He is a fiercely loyal friend. He is a loving partner. He is a dependable provider and steadfast protector. BUT REALLY? THIS, the drawing of a cat's butt on my pregnant belly...its THIS kind of stuff that carries me through sometimes. Keeping me laughing with his sometimes gross brand of humor and playfulness...is priceless!


Love you all!
Cindy