Tuesday, April 8, 2008

All over the place

I miss doing things other than feeding every 3 hours (4 at night). I miss sleeping. I feel bad about it. I know I have mentioned it before but I am looking forward to when they sleep through the night. I am exhausted. I miss hanging out with friends. Entertaining. Having dinners. Sleeping. Free time. Alone time. Good conversations. I know that none of this will suddenly appear when they sleep more. I KNOW THIS. I do not have that expectation. But I KNOW that I will get more sleep then. Not tons but MORE. Sleep deprivation is torture.
As it is now, every minute I have is planned and scheduled to maximize my time so I can get some sleep. When I deviate (like to write a blog post, for example) I am sacrificing something. Its either eating, sleeping or showering that I end up sacrificing. Right now its sleeping. And that's ok, because sometimes I need my sanity. I need to type things out sometimes.

But I miss my friends. And I realized after a phone conversation I just had with a close friend that I haven't connected with in a long time that many people in my life don't understand that I simply am just exhausted and I don't have extra time and I am not having dinner parties or shindigs that I am just not inviting them to. I haven't seen or talked to anyone. ANYONE. There are 2 friends that I have seen. Both ONLY because they were on the help schedule. We didn't sit and have a cup of coffee and chit chat about good times. NO. We worked. We took care of babies and folded clothes and changed diapers and crossed paths in the process. I don't have time to maintain relationships right now. That sounds totally crappy, I know. But I am doing my best. When I do have coverage so that I can leave the babies, I am running errands (buying diapers/wipes/formula/ointment - all with coupons) and trying to get to the bank, grocery store, etc... I took a break from it all to get a haircut last week (Thanks April...I LOVE IT) and I paid dearly. I fell behind and became overwhelmed and went insane and lost my crap. LOST. MY. CRAP. But I got a great haircut! Totally worth it, right? Well, considering that I keep my hair in a messy ponytail/bun everyday - you would not know it. But It feels great all the same. The haircut - not the losing my crap.
Anyhow, I wish I were the picture of grace and composure with 3 infants who eat and poop all the time and having just moved. But I am not. And speaking of this moving business. If you want to have a nervous breakdown, just get yourself a gaggle of babies and then decide to move to a new place. Make sure said babies are on a strict feeding schedule and make sure that you get no sleep during this move. And make sure that you overdo it with trying to get everything unpacked and back in order so that you completely lose your crap. That's how you go about that business right there. I'll have to go into how the move went down in another post. A post that makes sense. Not this one which is turning out to be a roundabout rant.
So where was I? I don't even know anymore. I just know that I miss stuff and people and I feel bad for missing stuff but I totally love my babies SO MUCH and I enjoy them every day but I am looking forward to being less tired and having some more time.
Now I am exhausted and I just used up twenty minutes of time I could have been sleeping and I have to feed babies in a couple of hours. I am GOING TO SLEEP NOW.
Good night!