Saturday, July 12, 2008

exhale

Ahhhhhhhhhh - deep breaths! I feel a lot better!

The day got much better, thanks for the love. :)
Basically, the babies had a doctor's appointment the day before (on Thursday), which was a really rough appointment, but we won't go there. Anyhow, they had shots on Thursday so on Thursday night they didn't feel so great and all day Friday they were cranky, moody, needy, etc. and I was feeling like I couldn't give them what they wanted. But I did my best. I basically had three babies stuck to me like glue the entire day. Whining, and whining and whining. The poor little things didn't feel so great. But everyone feels better now, including me!
When things get like that, I feel so inadequate. I know its not true. I know that I am doing fine. My brain knows it. But its that place that houses that fierce Mommy guilt. That place that always says that I can do more. That I should do more/better.
I have been told by a few people that know me well that I am very hard on myself. It is very convicting to hear, especially from different people on completely separate occasions. They all see the same thing. I am working on this. I do not want to pass this trait -and all the anxieties that go with it - on to my children. I do not want my children to feel the anxiety of never feeling like you can do good enough. I remember feeling this at a very young age. It was somehow infused into everything I did, until one day, I just gave up and became somewhat of an underachiever. It was this way for many years. The fear of failing and not doing a perfect job (ridiculous, right?) was paralyzing and was a huge self-destructive force in my adolescent years. Always focused on how things should be. Always disappointed in the end result, instead of learning from the actual process and giving myself credit. I didn't learn how to do that until MUCH later, when I was almost thirty.
But here I am now, struggling with the same feelings of inadequacy with motherhood. Its not that I feel that I can't do it. I feel very confident and comfortable being a mother. No other job I've had has felt this natural to me. I feel like I am good at this. I LOVE it. I enjoy being alone with these babies all day long. In fact, I prefer it. I learned early on that having people in and out of my house on a regular basis, while sometimes helpful, usually just added more chaos. So when I have occasional weekday visits, I no longer have the expectation that it will help relieve any stress. I now just see it as a visit from a friend and enjoy it that way.

But, I do feel very comfortable being alone with the babies most days. I just sometimes feel like I can't do enough to keep them happy & entertained. They all want ME. And it seems like they all want ME at the same time. And I LOVE it. I really do, but sometimes I just feel pulled in many directions. So when they nap, I know I have a long list of things to do (clean something, fold something, pay something, wash something, make baby food, maybe shower, etc.). and I get so weighed down by it all.

But sometimes? I just need to sit and be quiet. And have nothing flying around in my head. I just need to sit and talk to God. And ask Him to help me breathe. And thank Him for my life. And thank Him for these perfect souls that He has entrusted to my care.

If I can manage to do that, I will usually be OK.

P.S. Apparently today is the one year anniversary for this blog - Happy Blogoversary!