Monday, January 14, 2008

One month and 3 days

Hi Everyone! The babies are doing really well. Things continue to improve. They have been in the NICU way longer than I ever imagined when I was pregnant, but then again a lot is not how we imagined it would be. For example, their surprise early arrival! But now they're a month old (36 weeks & 3 days if they were still cooking inside of me!) and they are getting squishier by the minute!

Their weights as of today:

Alexis - 4lbs 11 oz
Zachary - 6lbs 0.1 oz
Jackson - 6lbs 13.2 oz

My babies are getting huge!

I am doing better too. The first 2 weeks were HELL. Physically and emotionally. Especially with adjusting to having them in the NICU. I felt like I had no coping skills right after the babies were born. I was so unstable. I didn't really start feeling more like myself until the fourth week. There are a lot of things about post-partum that I had NO IDEA about. Like, how awful I would feel when the 'waves' came over me. The term 'baby blues' is almost insulting and does not even do justice to the intensity of what happens during this time. I am not exaggerating when I say that I felt like DYING during those moments. Panic, overwhelming fear, intense sadness, hopelessness - these words don't even begin to describe what I was feeling. I can't even find the words. A total heaviness. Like drowning. I felt like I was being taken down by a huge wave that I could not get out from under. My head would flood with awful, AWFUL thoughts. I felt powerless to the total despair that would come on at any moment. During these times, I was helpless. I would just crumble into a pile, wherever I was. One time, Brian found me sitting in the bathroom in tears, doubled over and crippled by the weight of the 'wave'. It was like a real heaviness. I don't know where he came from or how he knew to come find me, but thank God. When the waves would come, it was as if he just knew by the look on my face. Thank God for him, really. I don't know what I would have done without him to pull me from the drowning, back to to safety. I was so afraid that these waves would not go away. It was terrifying. I was totally dependent on Brian during this time. I couldn't make any decisions, go anywhere by myself, do ANYTHING. I didn't want him to leave me. If you know me, you know that is NOT ME. I have always been fiercely independent. But here I was, crippled by this unspeakable despair and fear. I felt like I couldn't take care of myself. I needed Brian for everything. Which gave way to more fear and the thought, "how the hell am I going to take care of THREE babies if I can't take care of myself???" He had to talk me down from many of these episodes. Thankfully, its been a couple of weeks since I've experienced this. I have moments where I feel it coming on, but then it just goes away as quickly as it comes. I hope it stays this way. I cannot imagine having to experience that period without Brian to support me and to scoop me out of the dark waters when I felt like I was drowning. I am truly blessed with a loving husband.

Physically, I am getting back to normal more everyday. I am shocked by the changes in my body. Especially my abdomen. I feel like my organs are all in the wrong place. And the deflated belly is really a sight. I would post that belly pic but I think my husband would draw the line there. I, myself don't seem to have the same sense of boundaries which is apparent by how much info I shared during my pregnancy! :) Anyway, I've got a lot of extra skin I would like to get rid of. Its yours FREE! Just pay to get it removed and you can HAVE it ALL! What a deal!!!

Other than my attractive post-triplets tummy, I still have the strange numbness in my left hand that I did when I was pregnant. I expected this to be gone already but given the trauma that my body has gone through with carrying 3 babies, I think I'll give it a little more time to get itself back to normal.

The swelling - OH THE SWELLING. THAT was a huge surprise. I was not surprised by the post partum swelling in general. I knew there would be some swelling. Its HOW swolen I was that really shocked me. And how long it lasted! I had total hobbit feet. I should have just glued some hair to my feet and I would seriously have looked like a hobbit. I really wish I took a picture of how bad it was. I could hardly wear socks because they would not fit over my feet. And ALL of my shoes were too tight. I had to wear brand new shoes and keep them mostly unlaced so that i could get my feet in. It was a really hot look for me. The swelling is almost all gone, thank goodness.

If you are male, I suggest you skip over the next paragraph... So guess who has started their period? That's right...ME. My entire life as a menstruating woman has been marked by either, irregular, very heavy or even non-existent periods. I lived in the extremes. Never have my cycles made any sense, except for when I was on medication to regulate things. After the pregnancy, I was really looking forward to having no periods for a little while. I had heard that if you breastfeed or at least pump, your period doesn't come for a while. But whose period started exactly 28 days after the babies were born? MINE. The girl whose body never did anything by the book. NOW my body decides to get with the program??? When the doctor said I was having my period I was PISSED. Seriously pissed. I just wanted a break from the month-long bleeding. But no. I went straight from that to having a period. NO FUN!

This weekend was good. It started a little stressful on Friday. Brian had to take me to the doctor for an unexpected issue, but everything is totally fine now. We are just trying to get ready for Jackson to come home any day now. So exciting! Here are a bunch of pics from this weekend. You better get ready because I am dropping some serious cuteness on you!

Here are a few of Miss Alexis sleeping on Mommy.
She's either sleeping or screaming so you get sleeping pics!

Jackson getting kisses from mommy right before time to eat

Mommy squishing Jackson

Daddy holding his boys

I FINALLY got to hold all three for the first time!
Poor Zachary is getting smooshed by everyone!

Oh my gosh, this was so much fun

Sleepy Jackson, Zachary looking at Mommy and (what a surprise) Alexis freaking out

Jackson out cold, Zachary still wide eyed and observing everything, Alexis calmed down after Daddy got her pacifier
This cute moment ended abruptly when Zachary threw up on Jackson's head. HA HA! :)

I can't wait to bring them home!

Much Love,